


we're low in our hearts, we're low in our heads

by gingerbread man (xphantomhive)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, I ended up writing over 4000 words, I just wanted to write John and Dave fighting, I suppose, M/M, Mentioned loss of virginity, Slice of Life, Title is from "Do You Want It All?" by Two Door Cinema Club, Two Door Cinema Club is the shit, mentioned sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-22
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-05-02 19:44:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5261219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xphantomhive/pseuds/gingerbread%20man
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You've been beaten up by Dave Strider more than once, kissed so hard your lips bled, lost your virginity to Dirk Strider, pretended to have lost your virginity to Rose Lalonde, dated your best friend Vriska Serket, attended too many Christmas parties and played a failed game of truth or dare.</p><p>Thus is life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	we're low in our hearts, we're low in our heads

It’s about the moment that Dave slams you against a locker that you know you’ve done something horribly wrong.

“What,” he spits through gritted teeth, “in _the fuck_ is wrong with you?”

You don’t know how to respond. It’s equal parts the throbbing in your left shoulder blade and the fact that you don’t know what exactly is wrong with you, or what you could’ve done wrong. “I’m sorry?” You respond, doing your best not to sound sarcastic but knowing you do by the way Dave narrows his eyes at you (the light is hitting his shades _just right_ and you can see under them for the first time since second grade).

The hallway is pretty much empty now, save for you and Dave and a few kids who are rushing to make it to class on time. “Unbelievable. You don’t even know that you’re the biggest asshole ever, do you? No, because you’re _John Egbert_ , and you never do anything wrong. Daddy’s precious little boy, so perfect, so smart and involved and kind, so fucking selfless, and he is ‘so proud of you, son!’ You make me goddamn sick, Egbert.”

“ _Dave_ ,” you say, stressing every syllable off his name. He’s holding your arms so hard it hurts, and you know later there will be Dave-shaped bruises there that you’ll have to explain to Jane and Jade and Rose and Vriska, hoping to the high heavens that they don’t have some sort of secret get-together to plan out different ways to get revenge on Dave for hurting you. “I don’t even know what I did wrong. And you know about my dad, Dave, so how about trying this thing called not being the biggest insensitive prick in the world-”

“ _Hell_ no, you are not turning this shit around on me,” he bites, effectively cutting you off mid-sentence. “You’re the bad guy here, it’s you. Don’t think I don’t see the shit you and Vriska do, with the cheek-kissing and the weekly sleepovers and the hair-braiding during class. You almost fucking kissed her during spin the bottle last week, while Rose was right fucking there! You backed out last minute, but you are such an asshole, dude, and I don’t understand why she isn’t pissed at you like I am.”

Oh.

He thinks you’re cheating on Rose with Vriska. Apparently, he never got the memo that you are _super_ affectionate with all of your closest friends. “First of all, Rose isn’t pissed like you because she actually knows that the point of spin the bottle is to kiss the person the bottle lands on. I backed out last minute because Vris and I are close friends, not because Rose didn’t want me to kiss her. Second of all, I’m pretty affectionate with all of my friends? In case you forgot. So calm your shit, because I’m not cheating on Rose.”

Dave’s hold finally loosens enough that you can break free from it. You swipe your bookbag from the ground and shove Dave out of your way, turning back only once to say, “You know what I think, Dave? I think you’re jealous. Jealous that I like your sister and not _you_.”

+

TG: hey rose

TT: Yes, Dave?

TG: do you think im jealous

TT: Of whom?

TG: you

TT: Why on earth would you be jealous of me?

TG: because john likes you

TG: and not me

TT: …

TT: My apologies, but something has come up.

TT: I’ll have to get back to you later.

+

You manage to ignore Dave for two months, one week, and thirty-five days before he’s yanking you into an abandoned supply closet by your shirt collar. He slams the door behind himself and presses you roughly against the wall. His elbows are digging into your ribcage and it hurts like hell, and judging by the condescending smirk on his face, that’s the purpose.

“You fucked her,” he says blatantly, like it’s a fact from a book. “And then broke up with her.”

“Nothing lasts,” you respond, wriggling in his hold. “We both wanted it.”

“The breakup or the sex?” He fires instantly.

“Both.” You reply. He digs his elbows in harder.

“She’s my sister,” he states. “She’s my sister, and you fucked her and broke up with her. Ain’t there like, some brotherly code of honor, that says I’m supposed to beat the shit outta you?”

“I don’t think so,” you answer, but he clocks you in the jaw anyway. You hit the ground, but you aren’t down for long before Dave’s dragging you up again. He shoves you against the wall but instead of punching you for a second time, he squashes his soft lips against your cracked ones and doesn’t pull back until there’s blood dripping down your chin. “Way to defend Rose’s honor. I think the directors of the brotherly code of honor book would be proud of you.”

He punches you again and doesn’t drag you up for a kiss the second time around.

+

“What on _earth_ happened to you?” Jane shrieks when you pass her in the hallway, abandoning her pursuit of her girlfriend Roxy’s lips and cupping your face in her hands. You cringe when she brushes a finger over your abused mouth. “Who did this? Was it Dave? Did he do it because of the breakup? Oh, when I get my hands on that boy, I swear-”

“ _Jane_ ,” you cut in. “It’s fine. I’m fine.”

(But you aren’t fine. Your ribs ache and your cracked lips are still bleeding and your cheek is throbbing, but Jane doesn’t need more reasons to kill Dave.)

Jane gripes about Dave the entire way to the nurse’s office, and she only stops when both Roxy and the nurse have told her to. You end up with temp stitches on your lips and ace bandages around your ribs (Roxy is the one who found out about them; she was close enough to hear you squeak painfully when you shifted in your seat) until Jade can come pick you up and take you to the hospital. When the nurse calls, she promises to be there in under ten minutes. The nurse tells Jane and Roxy they need to go back to class, but they refuse, and she relents with no argument.

It takes Jade nine minutes and fifty seconds to come barging into the nurse’s office (you timed it on your phone for entertainment) with a rifle in her hand and her hair tied in a high ponytail. With a pitiful squeal of horror, the nurse retreats to the back room with all of the cots. “Who the fuck was it?” Jade seethes through her teeth, and even though she sounds ready to kill a whole army of men her fingers are soft when they skirt over your bruises. “It was Dave, wasn’t it? He did this because you and Rose broke up. When I fucking get my hands on him-”

“ _Jade_ ,” you cut in. “Wounds. Serious. Pain. Hospital.”

“Right!” She shouts. “Right, right. You’re hurt. Let’s get you to the hospital.”

+

GG: dave strider i am going to fucking kill you

TG: looks like ive got something to look forward to this weekend

GG: this isnt a joke, dave. i am going to come to your house and shoot you in the face

TG: for

GG: hurting john

GG: did you think i wouldnt find out, fuckwit?

GG: im his legal guardian, you know

TG: shit

TG: oh would you look at that rose just called me

TG: gotta go bye

GG: STRIDER!!

+

GG: I’m going to kill you.

GG: Very, very slowly.

TG: more things to look forward to this weekend besides harley killing me

TG: you gonna shoot me in the face too

GG: No. I’m going to dismember you.

TG: spicing it up

GG: This isn’t a joke, Strider.

GG: I’ll kill you for hurting John.

TG: jeez its always “john john john” even though hes such an asshole

TG: when is it gonna be “dave dave dave” i mean im a pretty nice guy

GG: Are you really? I mean, you did beat up a boy who is five feet tall and weighs one-hundred pounds if he’s lucky.

TG: im nice as fuck dude

GG: Sure.

+

Two weeks after what your school has deemed “the incident,” you get invited to a party.

Since it’s one of Karkat’s, you know Dave and Rose will be there. You go anyway. As you knew, Dave and Rose are both there, along with Jane, Jake, Dirk, Roxy, and a few kids whose names you can’t remember because you’ve only seen them in the hallways. Rose seems to be getting pretty touchy-feely with that eleventh grader, Aranea Serket, and you don’t think she even notices you. Dave, on the other hand, sees you instantly. He glares.

Roxy’s the first to notice the tension between you and Dave, bless her soul. “Hey!” She shouts over the sound of Fall Out Boy and ten conversations being held at once. Everyone goes silent and someone flicks the music off; it was probably Karkat. “Why don’t we play a game? Truth or dare, maybe?”

She barely finishes talking before everyone is crowding together in a circle, playing rock, paper, scissors to decide who goes first. Jane eventually nominates Roxy, since playing the game was her idea in the first place, and everyone agrees. Roxy grins. “Alright. Janey, truth or dare?”

Jane sighs through her nose. You stifle a laugh. “Truth, I suppose.”

“Is it true that your underwear are the same color as your eyes?”

“ _Roxy_!” Jane screeches, like it’s the most scandalous question she’s ever been asked. Knowing her, you wouldn’t be surprised if it _is_ the most scandalous question she’s ever been asked. It takes a few minutes of coaxing before Jane finally gives in, nodding quickly. Roxy snorts into her pepsi.

You’re one of the last people to be asked, and you pick dare so you don’t seem like a chicken. The person who asked you, some girl with braids as long as her entire body and a nose ring and lip piercing, grins like a shark. “I dare ya’ to kiss sunglasses over there.” She says, jerking her thumb in Dave’s direction.

Everyone stops talking. The tension is thick enough to cut with a knife. Braid girl barks out a laugh, leaning into the kid next to her. “Yeesh, seems like ya’ two got quite the history. Well, sucks that this is truth or dare, and if ya’ back outta a dare you’re a chicken.”

“I know,” you snap, glaring sharply. Braid girl holds her hands up defensively. “I know.”

All eyes are on you and you only as you cross the circle to sit in front of Dave. He has got to be glaring at you, but you can’t tell because there isn’t enough light in here to see underneath his shades. You both lean in at the same time, close enough for your foreheads to touch but not close enough for your lips to. “What’re you waitin’ for, Egbert? You heard the lady. Kiss me, or you’re a chicken.”

“Shut the fuck up, Dave,” you bite. “You are so stupid,” and then you kiss him.

It isn’t like the one he gave you in the supply closet, that made your lips bleed and sent you to the hospital. It’s a little softer, a little slower, a little more tender. You push away and he drags you back by your shirt, and he pulls away when braid girl says that you are not a chicken, neither of you are chickens, this is a public place and you can stop now.

You wipe your lips (they’re covered in Dave’s spit) and take your seat on the other side of the circle, next to Vriska. She’s the only person who hasn’t been asked yet, so you tilt your head toward her and ask, “Vris, truth or dare?”

She gives you that shit-eating grin she usually sports. “Dare.”

You smirk. “Who do you have a crush on?”

You’ve never seen Vriska blush before, but she does now. She looks away from you and picks at a hole in her jeans. “Uh,” tumbles out of her mouth, and she flushes darker. “Uh. You.”

“Me?” You ask, dumbfounded. Vriska has been your best friend since kindergarten, and yeah, you’ve thought about holding her hand and kissing her and maybe taking her out on a nice date, but every time you thought about that stuff it sounded unappealing, but as you look at her now underneath the dying bulbs in Karkat’s shitty apartment she looks beautiful; perfect blonde hair, big cerulean eyes, flashy grin and a tongue piercing. “Me. Me.”

You lean over and kiss her.

+

TG: so you and john are a thing now

AG: Uh, yeah, I guess? Who is this?

TG: dave

TG: strider

AG: Oh!!!!!!!! The 8oy John was dared to kiss at the party????????

TG: yep thats me

AG: Then yes, John and I are totally d8ing now!!!!!!!!

TG: congrats

TG: break his heart and i break your legs

AG: Ooooooookay then, Mr.Pissy 8ritches. I wasn’t planning to. John’s too cute for that, 8ut it’s cute that you’re concerned. ::::::::)

+

Two days after you and Vriska become “official,” Dave grabs you by the collar of your shirt and drags you to the gym. Since it’s the final period of the day, there are no classes. He throws you down on the scuffed wooden floor and climbs on top of you, frames your thighs with his, and all you can manage to do is squeak a quick, “Woah.”

“What in the fuck is _wrong_ with you?” He nearly screams, and you remember him doing something like this before, when he thought you were cheating on Rose. “Why would you kiss me like that at the party and then start dating _Vriska Serket_? John, I don’t-I don’t fucking _get_ you. I thought I was the biggest enigma at this school, but I think it’s you. You are the most confusing thing in this entire damn school, and I take trigonometry.”

You giggle a little, but snap your mouth shut when he glares sharply. He doesn’t say anything for a few minutes, only sits on top of you, his thighs locked around your own. And then he finally stands, and you go to follow, but he pushes you down with a foot to your chest. “Stay the fuck down, Egbert. Just because I got up doesn’t mean you’re gonna too.”

He presses his foot down harder. “Dave,” you choke, because you swear he is crushing your lungs and cutting off your air supply and trying to _kill_ you. “Dave, you’re suffocating me.”

He moves his foot and lets you stand, but you know this isn’t over yet. Once you’re on your feet, he punches you, hard - right in the jaw. You stumble backwards and nearly fall, but you catch yourself at the last minute, and then he’s throwing punches in a flurry. You manage to dodge most of them, aside from three; one aimed at your right eye, nose, and chin. He stops after a few minutes, tugs you to him by the front of your shirt and smashes your lips together so forcefully that it’s almost painful. “You are such a fucking asshole, I hate you so fucking much,” he spouts against you, but you know he’s lying. He’s sobbing by the time he leaves.

You’re left standing alone in the middle of the gym. Your nose and lips are bleeding and your right eye and chin are both black and blue, and Roxy finds you there, in that same spot, an hour later. She sighs and brushes your face with her fingertips; you flinch away. “Dave again, huh?” She asks, and it’s different than Jade and Jane, who get angry right away. Roxy is calm, so calm, and that’s what you’ve always liked about her.

You nod mutely. She takes you to the nurse’s office and promises not to tell Jane.

+

TG: u love him so much

TG: u love him so much and he doesnt love u back so u hurt him on the outside like u hurt on the inside

TG: shut the fuck up roxy you dont know shit about me

TG: i know u better than i know myself

turntechGodhead  has gone offline!

+

Vriska breaks up with you after two months.

She tells you that she’s sorry, that she thinks the two of you are better off as friends, that you always were better off as friends, but you know it’s all bullshit because you see her holding hands with Feferi Peixes in the hall when she thinks you can’t see. She broke up with you because she found someone better. You only tell Jane and Roxy about the break up, but somehow it’s gotten all the way around school by the end of the day. You aren’t too surprised, though; Vriska always was a gossipy bitch, even if the gossip included things about her.

When she passes Dave in the hallway, he shoves her into a locker. You wish you had warned him that Vriska is the type that’ll start a fight with anything that has two legs and a set of fists, because once she hits the locker she bounces back and clocks him in the jaw. She’s three seconds from winning the fight until a particularly hard blow to Dave’s face cracks his shades in half, and as they fall apart, he does, too.

“You fucking bitch,” he whispers, and it seems too loud in the eerily silent hallway. “ _You. Fucking. Bitch._ Do you even fucking _know_ what these shades _mean_ to me?”

Vriska grins. Your stomach turns. “Obviously not much, since you wore ‘em during a fist fight where they were probably gonna get broken. What, your daddy give them to you?”

You are going to puke. “No,” Dave replies, deadly calm. Shit shit shit _shit_. “My best bro did.”

You can’t really remember what happened after that, but you know it was a flurry of punching and screaming and, “Dave, stop!” and it ends with Vriska, Dave, and Roxy in the nurse’s office and you throwing up your breakfast and lunch into the toilet in the boy’s bathroom.

Dave never apologizes to Vriska, Vriska never apologizes to Dave, and neither of them ever apologize to Roxy.

Vriska never apologizes to you.

Dave never does, either.

+ 

EB: you were trying to kill her.

TG: i was defending your honor

TG: i couldnt defend my sisters honor so i had to defend my best bros honor

EB: dave, you were trying to kill her.

EB: she did not deserve to die.

TG: she hurt you

EB: plenty of people have hurt me.

TG: they deserve to fucking die too

TG: you dont deserve the shit treatment you get from people

TG: doesnt it ever get old

EB: of course it does.

EB: but i am not a drama queen, unlike some people.

TG: shut the fuck up egbert

EB: fine.

EB: you want me to shut the fuck up so bad?

EB: then don’t ever talk to me again.

EB: how is that for “shutting the fuck up,” dave?

ectoBiologist  has gone offline!

+

In December, Karkat invites you to his annual Christmas party. You know Dave and Vriska will both be there, but Karkat is your friend, so you suck it up and go anyway. Like usual, the party isn’t a very crowded one, and there is quiet Christmas music playing and plenty of people in ugly sweaters (you included) and a refreshments table and it’s snowing outside. Dave glares at you from across the room. Vriska is too busy mashing face with Feferi to do the same.

Someone nudges your shoulder with theirs, and you look away from Dave. “Hey John,” Dirk greets, offering you a glass. You’d ask what it is, but seeing as there’s only one bowl on the snack table and it’s full of eggnog, you’d guess that’s probably it. “Merry Christmas.”

You take a swig of the stuff. It’s pepsi. “Heard you aren’t big on drinking, so I snuck into the kitchen and got you some pepsi. You okay with that?”

You smile hugely. “Pepsi is my favorite soda.”

“Sweet,” Dirk replies, and this is the first time you notice how nervous he is. His eyes are darting everywhere but your face (he’d stolled into the party without his sunglasses on, told everyone the sight of his eyes was their early Christmas present) and he’s gripping the glass in his hand so hard that his knuckles have turned white. “Hey, uh. You’re single, right?”

Your wide grin shrinks to a half-smile. “Yep. Why?”

“W-Well,” he stutters. You know what he’s going to ask, could probably beat him to it, but seeing such a cool guy lose his shit is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. “Would you, maybe like to, uh, go see some Christmas lights with me? Like, a date. With kissing and hand holding, the whole nine yards, ya’ know.”

Your smile grows again. “Sure.”

He smiles right back at you.

+

TG: break his heart

TT: You break my legs, I know.

TT: I won’t, alright? I’ll take good care of him.

+

You lose your virginity to Dirk Strider in the back of his pickup truck.

It’s sloppy and messy and you both finish too fast. Your teeth bump painfully against his upper lip the first time you dive in for a kiss, and he jerks you too hard and bends his wrist so far when he’s doing it that you hear it crack. After the whole shebang is over, he cleans you off with your own shirt and tells you that you can borrow the spare he keeps in case of emergencies. Once you’re both dressed, he helps you onto the roof.

“It’s snowing,” you say. “Snow is so pretty.”

“I could name somethin’ that’s a helluva lot prettier,” he responds. When you turn to look at him he melds your lips together, but this kiss is much different from the heated ones you’d snuck between thrusts earlier. This one is slower, softer, a lot more tender. “In case ya’ didn’t know, it’s you. Snow looks like shit rainin’ from the sky compared to you.”

You grin and lean against him. He wraps an arm around your shoulders. “Such a charmer.”

“You know it, babe,” he fires back. “Been this charmin’ since my mama popped me out.”

“Have you, now?” You ask with mock-wonder. “Boy, the doctor’s must have fainted when they saw you.”

“One wink at the nurses and they collapsed from my charm.”

You hide your face in Dirk’s neck and giggle quietly. He grabs your hand and rubs circles into your thumb. “Merry Christmas.”

You snort. “It isn’t even Christmas yet, you big dork,” you mumble. You press a soft kiss on his neck and he shudders. “Merry Christmas."

+

TT: Hey, John?

EB: yeah?

TT: I…

TT: I think…

EB: sigh.

EB: you are about to break up with me, right?

TT: Yeah. I’m really sorry.

EB: it’s ok.

EB: not like i loved you.

ectoBiologist  has gone offline!

+

The Monday after Dirk breaks up with you, Dave slams him against the lockers so hard that you can hear them rattle from the boy’s bathroom, where you’re currently hiding.

“How _could you_?” Dave asks, and he sounds like he’s been betrayed, like Dirk breaking up with you has done a great injustice to him. “How could you fucking break up with _John Egbert_? You fucking-you fucking had it _all_ , Dirk, you had his love and you took his virginity and you got everything from him and he won’t even fucking _look_ at me anymore. You’re a royal fucking asshole and you got it all, you got everything that I’ve wanted since I was in second fucking grade, and you threw it all away. You are such a fucking dick, and I am so fucking ashamed to call you my brother.”

“I’m sorry,” you hear Dirk respond. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

They go silent for a few minutes, and you almost think you’re all clear to leave the bathroom until you hear a sob. You don’t know whether it was Dave or Dirk, but you do know that when you look around the corner you find them crying in each other’s arms. “I love him,” Dirk hiccups, and you tilt your head confusedly. “I love him so much, Dave, but I’m afraid-”

“That you’ll fuck it up,” Dave says before Dirk can. “I know.”

“He’s too good for me.” Dirk says.

“He’s too good for me, too,” Dave replies. “John Egbert is too good for this world as a whole.”

+ 

TT: I’m sorry.

TT: I’m so sorry, John. I don’t want to fuck this up, and I know I will.

TT: You’re too good for me.

EB: no, i am not.

EB: if anything, you are too good for me.

EB: but if you feel that way…

EB: then it’s ok, dirk.

EB: i am not angry.

EB: i love you, too.

+

The next year, you get your annual invite to Karkat’s Christmas party.

You think of not going. You know Dave and Dirk and Rose and Vriska and everyone from your past will be there, but Karkat is your friend, so you suck it up and go anyway. You spend most of the night by the refreshments table, sipping some eggnog that you probably shouldn’t be drinking and you know Jade would slap out of your hand if she caught you with it.

Halfway through the party, someone nudges your shoulder with theirs. It’s Dave. “Hey,” he says awkwardly. You’ve never heard Dave say something that way, and you never thought you’d be describing Dave Strider as “awkward,” but here you are. You nod as a greeting. “I’m sorry. Sorry about how I’m kind of a prick, and how I beat up your ex-girlfriend and-”

You spring forward and grab his face in your hands before he can finish, and you smush your lips against his and press him against the refreshments table. He’s the first to break out of the kiss, and he looks so shocked, wide eyes and parted lips; the whole nine yards. You say, “You are so stupid. I love you so much, you idiot,” and you kiss him again.

+

TG: hey

EB: hey.

TG: love you

EB: you are so stupid.

EB: i love you too.

**Author's Note:**

> the first writing of my thanksgiving break.
> 
> if you read my fanfic "little lion man" and saw i deleted it, sorry. i kind of hated it, so i decided i'd re-write it and re-post it. so look out for that, it'll probably be up sometime tomorrow.


End file.
